My dad has been sick with liver disease for the last three years or so. He was sick before that, but recovered for a few years and then it came back with a vengeance. I've known since then that this was going to be the thing to do him in. I've also known through a lot of research, that this is a very difficult way to go - especially for the family. It's slow, it can be painful, it's full of ups and downs, and there is no way around it.
I've grieved a lot over the last few years. I've grieved for the idea of losing him, I've grieved for all of the things we won't do again or ever do, and I've grieved for his suffering. After all of this grieving, I'm still not even close to being ready for the day to come that I can no longer go to the ranch and sit with him or call him on the phone for advice. The only thing I am ready for is to see him not suffer any longer. Watching him in pain or knowing he is having a hard time is the worst part of the situation. I find some peace in knowing he won't be going through that and it helps me to feel better about it all.
His goal right now is to make it another 2+ months to be at my wedding and God what I wouldn't give to have him walk me down the aisle. He's picked out his outfit and our song, "I Loved Her First" by Lonestar. But I don't want him miserable. I'm ready to say goodbye and know that he's been a HUGE part of my life and even when he's gone, he'll still be a HUGE part of it. He'll be there walking me down the aisle and watching me marry the love of my life. He's had the chance to get to know my fiance and show him how a man should care for me. So, even if he's not there physically, he will be there in some form no matter what.
I know there are a lot of people who have gone through what I'm going through. I've also noticed there aren't that many people talking about it, so I wanted to open the discussion. Grief is such a strange thing. It doesn't just go away - it sticks around and comes in and out of life sporadically. I've grieved so much already and I know there is much more to come.
I'm not one to grieve publicly - on occasion I can't help it, but usually I cry to myself and put on a brave face. I've noticed this isn't the healthiest way to do things as I've given myself chest pains from holding in the crying for so long. I'm working on better ways to deal with my grief - letting it be what it is, accepting it, and then letting it go. Some days I do alright and other days, like today, I can't stop sobbing. Which is exactly why I'm writing this. It's cathartic to put it down on "paper" and let it all out.
My heart is breaking - it's been broken since this process started, but it continues to break. I love my dad with my whole heart. I know he'll always be with me, and although the hole he'll leave behind will be immense - it will be filled with 33 years of incredible memories.
